Hitching my cart

I feel like my kids have the world at their fingertips.  Freedom.  Few rules.  No curfew really.  They spend a lot of time with their friends.. In our home and outside our home.  So why do they keep asking for more independence??  I could not grasp this.  

Then it hit me.  I have been hitching my cart to their wagon.  So nervous of their future that I consistently present opportunities to them for their future.  Trying to create things that may be of interest.  Worried they may get off track and not find their passion.  

Today I realized therein lies the pressure.  Their feeling of lack of independence.  Life was so different when I was a teen.  My parents did their own thing and I did my own thing.  But we lived in a safer world.  I realized this morning that as a single mother and the fear of my childrens’ wounds I have attempted to compensate by ensuring a future of ease.  This has come at a great cost.  

I see today my expectation of my kids to make decisions fast paced.  Process their passions at light speed.  Secure a future while in high school.  All of this to quiet my own anxieties that we as parents may have failed them somehow in guiding them towards a wonderful future.  And while guiding towards this wonderful future, stealing their youth.  

I owe them an apology.  For not trusting the process. For not leading by example.  For not trusting God.  For hitching my cart to their adolescent wagons.  For seeing them as an extension of myself and not as separate. For hovering with the best of intentions which for them felt like control and pressure. 

I get it.  I see it.  And today I let go of needing to help them create a future with no hiccups.  And allowing them to ride their own bumpy road to their destiny made up of their very own choices.  And of course I am beside them to hold their hand, believing in them every step of the way.  

Waking up.  Every year, every day more waking up.  Thank you for the gift of waking up.